


Psychotic Outbreak Due to Hob Nobs

by kayliemalinza



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Dubious Consent, F/M, Feral Behavior
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-04
Updated: 2008-12-04
Packaged: 2017-10-27 06:53:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/292851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayliemalinza/pseuds/kayliemalinza
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Toshiko's naked, wet, and feral. Ianto is tasked with physically restraining her, and Jack manfully pushes some buttons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Psychotic Outbreak Due to Hob Nobs

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what this says about my gender politics. Set before Season 1.

"My mother must be rolling in her grave," Ianto muttered, one hand clamped firmly on Toshiko's sweaty breast.

Toshiko snarled and tried to bite him. Ianto jerked his arm away but leaned all of his weight on Tosh, trying to pin her to the floor. It was difficult, as Toshiko was small and rather squirmy. "Any luck with the antidote yet, sir?" he called, breathing heavily.

"It's synthesizing now!" Jack cried back triumphantly. "It should be ready for injection in—oh." His face fell as he poked at Tosh's laptop, skewed sideways on the floor. Jack looked silly squatting there, the hem of his coat splayed out and the laptop looking very, very, small in his shadow, although it wasn't as squirmy as its owner. Ianto grunted.

"Care to give me some good news, sir?" he meant to say, but his speech became rather garbled in the middle as Toshiko managed to flip them over and Ianto kept her restrained only by the virtue of tangling their legs together and grabbing her hair. This time Toshiko _did_ bite him, but it only broke the skin a little bit. "This isn't transmissible by blood or saliva, is it?" he said worriedly.

"Mm, no," said Jack distractedly. "Just ingestion. Toshiko managed to get the only infected Hob Nob so everyone else should be fine." He was encouraging the laptop to work faster by stroking its screen tenderly and rubbing his forefinger over the power button in short, gentle strokes. Ianto disapproved. He was pressing his knee into Toshiko's naked crotch purely because the situation demanded it, but Jack was taking unwarranted liberties. He tended to do that quite often, especially with things that were shiny.

"How long until the antidote?" Ianto asked again, wincing as Toshiko's elbow dug into his ribcage.

"About ten minutes, I think," said Jack. "This must be a very complicated virus, or else I did the program wrong."

"Ah," said Ianto, feeling himself sink, just slightly, into the depths of despair. "Perhaps if I were to take a stab at it?" he said querulously.

"No no, let's just leave it," Jack said. "That would just be asking for trouble to switch places. You seem to have her under control."

"Well, yes," said Ianto. "Only, sir," he paused and dug his fingernails into Toshiko's back as she tried to slip away again. He succeeded in flipping their positions again and lay heavily on top of her, panting. "Sir, I do rather feel that I am dishonouring the house of my fathers." Toshiko growled low in the back of her throat and tried to bite his face off.

Jack tilted his head to the side and said, curiously, "You have two dads?"

"No, sir," said Ianto. "It's an expression. I meant only that I'm concerned that my current behavior reflects poorly upon my upbringing."

"Oh," said Jack. "I guess I can see how someone might think that, from a certain point of view."

Ianto took a moment to consider the statement and decided that his behaviour was suspect from any point of view, particularly bird's eye.

"It's easily dismissed once you explain the situation, though," Jack said reassuringly.

"Of course, sir," said Ianto. "Just a typical psychotic episode brought about by poorly stored food, sir." Owen had left the Hob Nobs on the counter, Ianto suspected. He made a note to check the CCTV later to be sure.

Jack took a moment from molesting the laptop to grin at him. "If anyone questions your motives here, Ianto, you just let me know and I'll vouch for you."

"That's very kind of you, sir," Ianto rasped. "Thank you." He gave a strangled yelp as Toshiko freed her legs from his and clasped her thighs around his waist. She heaved violently to the side, trying to topple Ianto.

Jack let out a low wolf-whistle. "Wow, she's flexible," he said admiringly.

" _Sir_ ," Ianto said quellingly. "That's hardly appropriate." He twisted counter to Toshiko's movement and spared a hand to push, desperately, at her knee. His palm slid sharply down the length of her thigh to her rear and it was, frankly, embarrassing. It was a rather convenient handhold, however.

"It's a compliment!" Jack said defensively. "Anyway, she's not gonna know I said that unless she checks the CCTV footage or somehow remembers this."

Ianto's head snapped up. "Is it likely that she will remember?" he asked urgently.

Jack shrugged. "I dunno. I've never run into this kind of substance before. About six minutes until antidote, by the way."

Once he had firmly pinned both of Toshiko's wrists to the floor and made some progress at loosening the clasp of her legs, Ianto stared very earnestly into Toshiko's eyes. They were tinted, a touch disturbingly, with swirls of yellow. "Miss Sato," he said somberly. "I wish you to know that I intend no disrespect to your person. I swear to you with utmost sincerity that my rough treatment of you is purely in the service of the safety of the Hub, the public of Cardiff, and yourself. Were this a different century, I would gladly go to duel for your honour."

"That's so sweet!" said Jack.

Toshiko spit in his eye.

Jack crawled forward and helpfully wiped Ianto's eye clean with his handkerchief. "I had no idea you were such a romantic," he said warmly.

"I don't see it as being romantic, sir," Ianto said. "Just a decent human being. My mother was always very adamant," he huffed, grinding his pelvis into Toshiko's as she made a bid to squirm away again, "that all people be treated with civility. Psychotic outbreaks notwithstanding, of course."

Jack caught Toshiko's hands as she swiped at Ianto's face and held them firmly. Toshiko yanked against him, breasts heaving. "Did your mother give you any other rules to live by?" he asked.

Ianto took the opportunity while Jack had her arms to scoot back and pin down Toshiko's legs properly. Her belly, sheened with sweat, was scraped and bruised from the tussle. "She told me to always take a woman to a nice restaurant on the first date," he said. "Never date someone who lives next door, and don't go to the same pub more than twice a week."

"Interesting," said Jack, in that thrumming way of his that implied 'interesting' meant any number of things. "Did she ever say anything about dating the boss?" he asked, eyebrows waggling while his smile softened in apprehension.

Ianto paused and lifted the corner of his mouth in a smirk before replying. "That would be rather hypocritical of her, wouldn't it?"

"Oh?" said Jack.

Ianto pressed his palms into the crest of Toshiko's hipbones, leaned closer to Jack and murmured, "When they met, she was working as the counter girl in my father's tailor shop."

Jack opened his mouth to say something, or maybe just to breathe on Ianto (he'd done that several times before, generally while passing Ianto in narrow hallways), but just then the laptop beeped and he leapt backwards to fetch the antidote.

Hands suddenly free, Toshiko gave Ianto a hard slap across the face.

"Can't say I blame you for that," Ianto muttered, pouncing on Toshiko as she nearly skittered free. By the time Jack came at them with the syringe, both were on their hands and knees, with Ianto clinging desperately to Toshiko's waist. Toshiko began clawing at the floor, seemingly aware that the poison in her veins was about to be eradicated.

"Hold her still!" Jack yelled, and Ianto wished he could spare a breath to ask Jack how, exactly, he proposed that Ianto accomplish that.

Toshiko slipped and fell hard to the ground. Ianto went down with her, laying hard against her back, and almost by instinct clamped his teeth onto the back of her neck.

Toshiko whimpered, fidgeted, then went still. Her arms splayed out against the grit-grey floor, fingers tense.

There was a moment of silence.

"How did you know that would work?" Jack asked thickly.

"I watch a lot of nature shows," said Ianto, except it came out all mumbled because he didn't dare remove his teeth from Tosh. "I wish I'd thought of it earlier." Again, mumbled, but he supposed he could repeat it later if Jack was really interested.

Jack carefully injected the antidote into Toshiko's arm. Despite the odd angle and Toshiko's hair in the way, Ianto could see him smile and remark, "You're an interesting man, Ianto Jones."

Ianto pried his teeth from Toshiko's flesh to reply, but just then Owen came clattering sleepily down the corridor.

Owen blinked and stopped still. "Is this a dream?" he asked. "Because if it is, then one of you can leave."

"Which one?" Jack asked.

"It's not a dream," Ianto said, standing up as Toshiko went limp and covering her hastily with his suitjacket. "It's a psychotic outbreak due to Hob Nobs."

Owen sighed. "I miss all the fun stuff," he grumbled, then headed for the medical bay. "If one of you wankers would be so kind as to carry her in here?" he yelled back. "Goddamn Torchwood, first thing in the morning...."

Ianto and Jack stood for a few moments, looking at each other in the half-yellow lighting of the hallway.

"Jack," Ianto said finally. "If she comes to, and it turns out she doesn't remember...."

"Yeah?" said Jack.

"It might be best," said Ianto, "if you quietly dissuade her from watching the CCTV footage. For her sake."

Jack laughed—Ianto didn't think it was really very funny—and stooped to lift Toshiko in his arms. "Sure thing," he said. "You don't mind if I watch it again later, though do you?" he drawled, and swept away before Ianto could respond.


End file.
